We are all products of our upbringing. Ideally, we are raised by loving, positive, and stable parents in childhood - but not all children are so lucky. If one or more addicted parents raised you, your childhood might have been very challenging.
The ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience) study found that children who grow up with addicted parents can be as mentally and emotionally damaged as those who are directly abused. Studies also prove that mental illness is more likely to occur in daughters of alcoholic mothers [1] even more than daughters of alcoholic fathers.
Addiction often causes weak and/ or insecure attachment between parent and child, making a parent out of touch with the child’s needs. The chaos, stress, and instability that come with addiction often create a dynamic of danger and fear in the home - which strongly impacts the child. If the pattern is not broken, this impact can be lifelong and far-reaching.
Each family has its own specific dynamics that are touched by addiction, but it always results in a deep wound to the mental and emotional wellbeing of the children.
The Impact on Children of Addicts
In recent years, America has seen an uptick in opioid addiction. With that rise, the number of children growing up in a home with one or more parents addicted to drugs/alcohol has grown. SAMHSA [2] found that an average of 8.7 million children annually live in homes with a parent who has a substance use disorder. That is one in every eight children who has an addicted parent.
Children of drug addicts often blame themselves for their parent’s choices as opposed to recognizing themselves as victims and seeking help. Children are often afraid to betray their parents by sharing their secrets with others who can help, and suffer from feelings of guilt and fear if they do expose the problem. Their parents will often discourage them from seeking help. There is also a genuine fear that the addicted parents may lose custody of their children if their substance abuse is exposed. However, it is possible to get support and help and even books about parents with addiction.
The impact of parental addiction on child development is genuine. The effects can show themselves both during childhood and adulthood. Here are some common effects that come up during childhood:
- Social and academic delays
- Unhealthy roles which can be hard to break, even once the situation is over
- Behavioral problems
- Low self-worth or self-esteem
- Intense feelings of shame and guilt
- Codependency
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Suicidal tendencies
- Increased risk for substance abuse
- Pressure to be a “good child”
- Perfectionism
Here are some effects of parental addiction that extend into adulthood:
- Adult children of addicts are linked to lower socioeconomic status
- Increased likelihood of developing a SUD
- Relationship or intimacy problems
Family Roles in Addiction - Can Addicts be Good Parents?
In a family with addiction, roles are often reversed, and children become “parentified”. This is when a child must take on the parent role in the family, since one or more parents lean on the child for support. In a home with an addiction, the addicted parent may depend on the children physically or emotionally. The “caretaker”, or nonaddicted parent, can lean on their children as well, needing the physical and emotional support they lack from the absent spouse. Often the addict becomes dependent on those around them to support their life of addiction. Adult tasks such as disciplining, finances, and errands can be expected of children. The children will quickly learn to adapt to the necessary role to survive in the home with an addict.
Typical roles identified within a family system struggling with addiction are:
- The Addict- the center of the family. All decisions revolve around this person.
- The Hero – the person who tries to keep the family together.
- The Enabler/Caretaker- this person tries to keep everyone happy.
- The Lost Child - the family member who checks out of the situation.
- The Jester- this person uses humor to cope and protect others from pain.
- The Scapegoat- this person acts out to distract themselves from the problem.
These roles are typically developed within the home but can continue in adult children of addicted parents. In addition, reversing healthy roles can affect children in traumatic ways.
Effects on Children of Addicted Parents
Blaming oneself is a common denominator among children of addicts. They feel that they can control their parent’s addiction, and blame themselves for not dealing with it - not recognizing that it is their parents’ choice. It is often challenging for children of addicted homes to get the help they need, because they are discouraged (or forcibly stopped) by their parents from reaching out for help. Parents may experience a deep sense of betrayal when their children share their “secrets”. There is also a genuine fear that they may lose custody of their children if their substance abuse is exposed.
However, it is always possible to get support and help when dealing with an addicted parent.
Children of addicted parents may struggle with the following:
- Behavioral problems
- Low self-worth or self-esteem
- Intense feelings of shame and guilt
- Codependency
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Suicidal ideation
- Increased risk for substance abuse
- Pressure to be a “good child.”
- Perfectionism
- Relationship or intimacy problems (in the future)
How to Deal with Addicted Parents
The most crucial thing for children of addicts to remember is that addiction is a disease. Like any illness, when one is under the influence of a substance, their entire body and brain act out of sync. Unlike most diseases, though, most people are reluctant to treat addiction due to the fear of withdrawal. Even once treated, addiction is a lifelong battle. It is therefore essential to be patient with an addict throughout their recovery.
Intervening with an addicted person can be extremely challenging, even more so when the addict is your parent. In addition, the addicted person may be unaware of their addiction and the utter havoc it is wreaking in others’ lives.
In order for an intervention to be successful, take these steps beforehand:
- Write down exactly how you feel. This can help the conversation stay level-headed.
- Seek professional guidance. Speaking to professionals in the field can help guide a successful intervention.
- Ask other people to join. Having other people impacted by the addiction join the conversation, can help get the point across clearly.
- Speak to the person when they are sober. The conversation should take place at a time when the other party is not under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
- Keep the conversation tone calm. It is easy for the conversation to turn angry or emotional, but remaining even-keeled can help a you be more persuasive and impactful.
- State what you want clearly. Knowing specifically what (doable!) steps you would like the person to take can help guide the conversation successfully.
- Get outside support. Having someone help keep your parents accountable can go a long way in ensuring they follow through with recovery.
- Set consequences. Establishing real consequences that will be implemented if the addict does not follow through with the recovery plan can give them a strong motivation to comply.
When a parent enters recovery, navigating and rebuilding the relationship can still be difficult. For adult children of addicts, dealing with the disappointment and pain of having a parent who was an addict can be complex. It helps to understand that most addicts have underlying trauma or mental illness that has led them to addiction. Recognizing that addiction is a disease like any other can help one forgive and repair a damaged parent-child relationship.
Help for Children of Addicts
If your parent is an addict, you can choose to create a better life for yourself. Although growing up in the home of an addict is rife with challenges, there is help. There is support and education that can help you navigate through life.
Some helpful steps adult children of addicts can take to recover include:
- Get a mentor or an older figure to confide in.
- Join a support group (such as Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics)
- Enter a rehab program if you are struggling with addiction yourself.
- Receive therapy or counseling.
- Learn stress management and life skills.
Addiction can become an intergenerational struggle unless someone is brave enough to put in the work and break the cycle. While the odds of struggling with addiction are unfairly stacked against children of addicts, it is not a life sentence. Instead, you can choose to stop the cycle today, and create a better life for yourself and all your future generations.
Sources
Children of Addiction | Psychology Today
The 6 Family Roles In Addiction — Psychotherapist/ NYC (katherineschafler.com)
Children Living with Parents Who Have a Substance Use Disorder (samhsa.gov)
The Trauma of Children of People With Addiction | Psych Central