Living with an Addict Spouse
Alcohol and drug abuse is strongly linked to conflict and abuse in relationships, both verbal and physical. When intoxicated or drugged, one suffers from impaired judgment and often acts irrationally.
Factors Causing Conflicts
Effects of substance use disorders that cause conflicts to develop can include:
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financial difficulties
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legal issues (e.g., trouble with the law due to drunk driving or illicit drug use), and
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disputes over child custody
Another common issue of being married to an addict is that the addict’s partner is often consumed with helping them, likely neglecting their own needs. The partner may feel that it is best not to involve parents, children, relatives, or friends, causing the partner to feel very lonely, and wonder: Can a marriage survive drug addiction? Additionally, the partner married to an addict may find themselves taking on more responsibility at home – with childcare and with providing money – fostering negative feelings.
Codependency and Drug Addiction
Living with a drug addict often causes codependency, where the individual married to an addict becomes dependent on the addict. Codependent people generally rely on their spouse to provide self-esteem and safety in an unhealthy way, causing them to lose their own identity and independence at the same time. This also harms the addict since this enables the negative behavior further.
Examples of Enabling Behavior
Examples of behavior that enables a spouse's addiction could include:
- allowing neglect of responsibilities
- lying to cover up for their actions
- accepting abuse from your spouse
- neglecting personal needs to assist your spouse, and
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shielding your spouse from the consequences of their actions
If you think you may be codependent on your addicted spouse, know that you are not assisting the recovery process. On the contrary, it causes the addict to deny the problem and will also hinder the recovery process. Recognizing and addressing codependency is a crucial aspect of understanding how to deal with a husband's addiction.
How to Support a Spouse with Addiction
The following suggestions will help you to support your spouse in recognizing their issue and in assisting the recovery process.
- Educate yourself. The more you understand your spouse, the more likely it is that they will trust you and allow you to assist in the healing process. Ensure that your spouse feels that they can communicate with you and share how they are feeling without being judged or looked down at. Understand that healing is a long and grueling process, and don’t expect to see dramatic change right away.
- Focus on the problem and not on the person. Recognize that addiction is not a personality flaw- your spouse is a person with a problem. Also, it is likely that your spouse has changed and is almost unrecognizable when in a drunken or drugged state. This will cause sadness and even a sense of grief as you mourn the partner that you have lost. You may start to view your spouse differently, forgetting that they are primarily a person and not just a ‘drug-addict.’ It is equally important not to blame yourself for your spouse’s addiction and ensuing behaviors, nor should you take literally the negative comments that your spouse says about you when they are not lucid.
- Don’t demand that your spouse go for help. You may be tempted to force your spouse to go to rehab or see a therapist but this is counterproductive. Addicts must admit that they need help and be willing to put in the work necessary to achieve sobriety.
Supporting Yourself
Throughout the process, ensure that you do not lose your vitality. Taking care of yourself is important for you and the recovery of your spouse:
- Establish what you can and cannot do to support your spouse. This helps to ensure that you do not get resentful by constantly engaging in unhealthy self-sacrifice. Empathy, acceptance and patience and are necessary to practice, as long as it doesn’t lead to neglecting your own needs. Bear in mind that your spouse will likely test your boundaries and you will need to stay firm.
- Use “I feel” and “I need” statements. The word “you” often feels accusatory and will put the addict in self-defense mode, which is not conducive to effective communication. Share your feelings without blaming or putting down, as emotion is more likely to elicit empathy and closeness.
- Understand that things will not go back to the way they were. Your spouse has changed and so have you, therefore the relationship will evolve. In fact, you may strengthen your relationship during the recovery process, and it may even be a lot stronger than it was originally. Work on letting go of resentments so that you can achieve this.
Resources
Al-Anon 12-Step meetings are popular support groups for spouses of addicts. They are attended by anyone affected by addiction such as relatives or friends of an addict.
Until your spouse is ready to admit that they have a problem, you can try to research your options and find the best rehab program for your spouse. In that way, you will be able to help your spouse on their journey to recovery from the moment they are ready.
When your spouse is ready for rehab, don't hesitate to contact Avenues Recovery. Our caring experts and effective programs are here to help. With the support we provide, your spouse can work towards getting better, and together, you can strengthen your marriage. Don't wait—take this important step today for a brighter tomorrow.
For more information on how drugs and alcohol ruin relationships, read our online resource.