Humans shared something of a pack mentality, a vital component of our survival instinct. Fail to keep the approval of your tribe, and you may find yourself ostracized, and vulnerable to attack from wild predators. For the many people who thrive on uniqueness and individuality, this inability to live freely and the feeling of being unwanted and endangered sometimes necessitates over-the-counter pain relievers such as acetaminophen can help numb the pain from a broken heart. Social pain and physical pain share many of the same neural pathways, because mankind’s early ancestors relied on social support to ensure physical safety. And we must give social support if we expect to receive it. In other words, humans are social creatures because we must be. Unfortunately, we find our instincts constantly threatened by the triangle of self-obsession.
Our social instincts derive from evolutionary science and we hope that through reading this will come to understand that our physical and spiritual well-being often works in synergy. We don’t just show kindness to others because it makes us feel good about ourselves. We also do it because, in a very primitive way, it literally makes us feel more alive.
The triangle of self-obsession impedes our social development in three directions at once. Resentment springs from the past, while anger operates in the present and fear stands in the way of our future. Each corner of this triangle may stand on its own or may operate in conjunction with one or both of the others. It generally depends on our situation at any given time. No matter what, however, the triangle of self-obsession results in much of the grief we cause ourselves and others. And to make matters worse, it’s just as ingrained within us as the social instinct with which it so greatly interferes.
Long before we are capable of providing service to anyone, we recognize the impact of others on our lives. A child receives love and warmth from the parents, but also food and shelter. Without other people, an infant can fulfill neither physical nor emotional needs. And it isn’t long before the baby’s cry becomes more than a signal of needs, but occasionally a manipulative tactic used to fulfill desires.
This extends beyond the need for a diaper change or the desire to be held. We begin to develop specific preferences and express disdain when they are not met. Think of the “fussy eater,” who would forgo nourishment in favor of spitting his or her least favorite flavor of Gerber’s on the floor. This doesn’t fit too tightly into the triangle of self-obsession, as it’s hard to imagine a baby harboring literal resentment against carrot-flavored mush. But keep forcing that same flavor on the child, and you can expect to be met with little more than crankiness.
In this stage of infancy, we don’t really know that our caretakers will continue looking over us once our tantrum is over, nor do we really seem to care. We simply know what we want, and become upset when we do not receive it. And as explained in an NA-approved pamphlet on the triangle of self-obsession, this destructive self-interest sometimes only worsens with age.
“We never seem to outgrow the self-centeredness of the child. We never seem to find the self-sufficiency that others do. We continue to depend on the world around us and refuse to accept that we will not be given everything. We become self-obsessed; our wants and needs become demands. We reach a point where contentment and fulfillment are impossible. People, places, and things cannot possibly fill the emptiness inside of us, and we react to them with resentment, anger, and fear.”
This passage does not apply to all adults, in the same way, that not all children act fussy at feeding time. But many addicts and alcoholics will see themselves in the above description. And unlike the demands of an infant, the triangle of self-obsession exhibited in adulthood will not be met with patience and understanding. As adults, people will feel less inclined to grin and bear our childish behaviors.
Before long, we find ourselves isolated from the bulk of the herd. Sure, we might pick up a few enablers along the way, not to mention a few fellow addicts and alcoholics. Unfortunately, this hardly makes up for the loss. Those around us either suffer from exhaustion and emotional anguish due to the hell we’ve put them through, or else are kept in our lives primarily to offer us more of the same substances that continue to numb us and stunt our emotional growth.
It’s no wonder that we often feel so miserable during active addiction. We’ve stunted our evolution, fighting our natural social instincts in favor of the childhood survival instincts that we never quite outgrew. And it’s a shame that we’ve pushed so many people away, for we will not recover from this evolutionary stagnation on our own. The NA pamphlet concludes:
“We have a disease that, in the end, forces us to seek help. We are fortunate that we are given only one choice; one last chance. We must break the triangle of self-obsession; we must grow up, or die.”
The answer is actually rather simple, though not always easy. We must break the chains that hold us in stagnation by poisoning our past, present, and future. Upon relieving ourselves of these poisons, we replace the three sides of the triangle with qualities that will nourish the soul to full health.
Otherwise, we will remain stuck in the triangle of self-obsession. We may never find our way back into the fold of a loving community and will risk finding ourselves in complete isolation. Failure to develop these three fundamental virtues would see us as abandoned infants, stranded in our high chairs with nobody left to feed us.
We already tend to identify resentment as one of the biggest obstacles to sobriety. It keeps us rooted in our negative emotions. Looking toward the past, we identify the ways in which people did wrong to us and proceed to play these memories over and over again. We refuse to move on, believing that they owe us some sort of justice. When we inventory our resentments in Step Four [1], we find they range from serious offenses to minor or even imagined wrongs. Somebody didn’t give us something we wanted or didn’t show us the respect that we felt we deserved. This might lead us to pursue unhealthy confrontations. Possibly worse will be our tendency to simply imagine these confrontations in our heads, endlessly and without resolution. Neither of these actions usually helps us to move on.
To overcome resentment, we must meet the past with acceptance. Much has happened to us that we did not deserve. Sometimes we did things to others that they did not deserve, causing us to turn some of this resentment on ourselves. This is no less a part of the triangle of self-obsession, as our self-loathing still assumes us to occupy a great deal of space in the minds of others. Whether harping on wrongs done to us or even by us, we must accept that we cannot change the past. We don’t have to like it, mind you. We must only accept it.
Better yet, we may even turn to resentment’s true opposite — gratitude. Each of these resentments can teach us something if we let it. Look for the hidden lessons in the past, and use these lessons to make amends and operate more skillfully in the present. It’s not always easy, but it is always possible.
Anger occurs when we find our present reality unacceptable to our standards. When steeped in fury, it usually matters little to us whether our expectations are realistic. We only care that they remain unmet. If we become angry enough, we may ignore the entirety of our present circumstances to such a degree that we later rewrite history, acting as if the source of our anger destroyed every good feeling of which we were capable at the time of its occurrence. This will lead to resentment later on down the line.
Since we can only ever truly live in the present, anger may be one of the more important corners of the triangle of self-obsession. Not only can it cause resentment, but may also result in fear. We fear that whoever or whatever caused our anger will hurt us again. With one foot rooted in fear of the future and another resentful toward the past, we lose our ability to appreciate the present. Thus, we must overcome anger in all forms by focusing on love.
Love may take the form of gratitude or acceptance, but it really boils down to sheer compassion. Not only do we accept a person’s flaws or identify ways in which their influence might actually benefit us, but we try to develop a true sense of empathy. Certain people or outside circumstances may not be what we want them to be. But literally every other person on Earth has dealt with this same feeling. This reality, while troubling on the surface, brings us some solace. If nobody can see all demands met, our best defense against disappointment is to simply love the world—and the people in it—exactly as is. Easier said than done…but once again, quite possible with enough practice.
All the corners of the triangle of self-obsession are important, but fear relates the most to our introductory discussion.
Fear can sometimes be healthy, as in the man who becomes useful within his tribe because he knows ostracism will put his safety at risk. In fact, those who find themselves in isolation due to anger and resentment arguably would have done well to experience a bit of fear before things got as bad as they did. These fears are realistic. These fears are practical.
Unhealthy fears are not necessarily unrealistic, but they definitely aren’t practical. For instance, rejection is something people experience every day. We know this, and we sometimes fear rejection so much that we refuse to socialize just to keep from feeling it. People use similar excuses for failing to approach a possible sponsor at their 12-step meeting, or even for neglecting to enter the meeting at all. We hide ourselves, denying others our authenticity because we don’t know how they will receive it. In this sense, social fear is no different from fear of death. Both cases boil down to a basic fear of unverified possibilities, such as rejection or the afterlife. At least, that’s how the Narcotics Anonymous pamphlet describes it:
“[Fear] is our response to the unknown; a fantasy in reverse.”
In many cases, fear may also derive from the known. As discussed above, the same things that cause us anger or resentment lead to fear because we don’t want to risk reliving those experiences. But this isn’t practical if it keeps us from moving forward with our lives. Pleasures both material and spiritual are often denied to us, simply because we neglected to seek them.
Limit your fears not only to the realistic but the practical. Those fears serve you well. If you don’t like sharks, feel free to be afraid of them. Rarely does a person on their deathbed lament that they never entered the ocean with a bloody wound. But for all other fears, try to practice faith. Trust that things will work out okay as long as you continue to put your best foot forward and lead a life that you enjoy. Fear keeps us addicted. It keeps us numb, afraid to seek the people and experiences that make us truly happy simply because they might not work out.
And you know what? They might not. Have faith anyway. Have faith that no matter what happens, you’ll bear the burden and keep living. With just that one simple (if sometimes elusive) belief, your life in sobriety will take you to heights you never dreamed of reaching. If nothing else, it will keep you on your feet and reaching for the stars. That promise alone is worth giving it a try.
At Avenues Recovery, we are here to help you escape the triangle. Take the next step in recovering from addiction. There are many inpatient and outpatient treatment options available. Our dedicated team of professionals is ready to answer any questions you may have and provide you with the resources you need. Be sure to contact us today if you want to know more about the triangle of self-obsession and the treatment options we offer.
[1] 12step.org