It's Mother's Day and I have the opportunity to reflect on motherhood, then and now. I look back at mothering in active addiction through the lenses of my recovery and it is truly the epitome of night and day. It looks completely different and it is incredible!
The things I exposed my children to during my addiction, the darkness that filled our home, the yelling, the cussing, and the lack of peace, were the least of the sacrifices my children made for my choices. Towards the end of my addiction, I was incarcerated for nearly a year and that physical absence was just as devastating as my mental absence for so many years. More than anything else, my drug addiction was selfish in that I had absolutely no consideration for my kids and their need for me. I completely took for granted the most precious gift given to me and I didn't recognize it until my ability to be their mom was no longer an option.
I remember in early recovery, I was so ashamed of my actions I began to parent out of guilt. I soon learned how unnecessary it was because my children forgave me quickly and they love this recovered version of their mama. I don't deserve a second chance at being the mother that God created me to be, but I have it and I cherish it.
I have three wonderful children that are thriving! We laugh, play, and make memories every single day because I am present, both physically and mentally. The ebbs and flows of motherhood aren't something I feel the need to escape from these days. Instead, I embrace the chaos, remembering the days when I couldn't get out of bed to deal with them.
Recovery allowed me to see how funny, intelligent, and unique my children are. It helped develop me into a really strong woman who is madly in love with her children and I am grateful for this side of the madness!”