Sobriety is possible – if they can do it, so can you. In this series, Avenues Recovery presents true accounts of everyday heroes in recovery.
H! My name is Ashley, and this is my recovery story.
My addiction took root due to a toxic and abusive relationship I was in. I cried every time he got angry; I walked on eggshells around him because of my sensitive nature. Drugs helped me numb my feelings to the point where I no longer cared. I stopped crying when he would break things; I no longer begged him to stop screaming. I was no longer afraid of him.
I realized I was in way over my head when I was three years into my addiction and couldn’t go more than ten minutes without using. I spent most of my time in my bathroom, using more and more, chasing a high I could never achieve. I was in survival mode. The things I did to get my drugs repulsed me, but active addiction left me with no choice. I no longer had any control.
That’s when my dealer looked at me and said, “Get good before good gets you.” His words hit me in ways I can’t explain.
Towards the end of my addiction, my mom and brother had both relapsed and were using with me. I remember sitting in my bathroom with them, them enjoying the high and me full of anger. Anger because I was using to survive, not to get high. It wasn’t a game to me - I’m a single full-time mother of 4 young children. I had no one to care for them while I detoxed, and they were too little to care for themselves. That was my excuse to drop out of the rat race.
So many people washed their hands of me, and I just didn’t care because I at least had my kids.
But on May 17th, 2022, my ex-husband went to the DCYF and told them everything - including how I passed all of their drug screens for the last 9 months by using someone else’s urine. My case worker immediately walked over with her supervisor (I live behind the DCYF building), confronted me, and then removed my children from my custody.
I remember dropping to my knees, because I had done exactly what I said I’d never do. My parents were full-fledged addicts and alcoholics throughout my childhood, and I grew up saying that “I’ll never do that to my kids”. But I now I had done just that, and my babies were taken. I had no more excuses.
As I was packing up all my children’s belongings, I was on the phone with Avenues. On May 18th, 2022, I admitted myself - broken, lost, and weighing 89 lbs. My sober date is May 19th, 2022.
The staff at Avenues dug deep and made me see things in ways I’ve never seen them before. I learned so much about myself that I was able to identify where and why I fell off track. I was eager to take the steps I needed and to use the coping skills that Avenues gave me even after leaving residential treatment for a lower level of care.
After completing 22 days in residential treatment and 33 days in Partial Hospitalization, I got a call from my case worker telling me to come home to take my children back and continue IOP.
On July 14th, 2022 (56 days sober), my kids were brought back home and my journey as a sober mom began. When I went into Avenues, I had already cut everyone out of my life, as I couldn’t have toxic people in my life if I wanted to stay sober and be the best mom I could be. I can’t be a good mom if I don’t show up for myself first. Unfortunately, my family is not good for me, and I had to cut all ties with them. “If you bring nothing to my life then I exit yours” became my motto.
After I returned home and received my kids back, I listened to a lot of music. Music is my therapy and outlet, and it allowed me to experience my feelings in a way that I could deal with them and slowly heal.
I created 3 steps in early recovery that helped me get to where I am today:
- Get good before good gets you.
- Stay good so good doesn’t get you again.
- Good got me, in return I got good back!
I have had to jump through SO many hoops between the courts and the DCYF, doing everything that was asked of me. I have had state workers, therapists, and CASA staff in and out of my home multiple times a week. I accepted the support I was given and continued to strive for more.
I also learned to advocate for myself in recovery; when I wasn’t being heard, I spoke up. I am proud of the amazing things I have achieved since becoming sober, and I was not going to be told how I need to maintain my sobriety. I hold the keys to my future! I have to stay in my lane, so I know where I come from.
Since I started advocating for myself, my DCYF court case has closed, and I now help the newcomers when they walk through our doors. My life is amazing, and I absolutely love it! It gets hard being a single mom of 4 little ones 7 years and under, working full-time and maintaining structure and routine. It’s not easy by far. But it is SO rewarding because I did indeed get good back!
I get to spread light for those who come into treatment as hopeless and broken as I was. I give hope to those who were considered a “lost cause.” I was that “lost cause” that had no hope, but with the help of Avenues, I changed that!
